Common Mistakes and How to Avoid Them & Building Support Systems

Mistake 1: Rescuing Too Quickly

The problem: Adults who immediately solve children's problems prevent them from developing problem-solving skills and appropriate help-seeking behaviors. The solution: Use a "wait time" approach. When a child encounters a problem, ask questions like "What have you tried?" or "What do you think might work?" before offering solutions.

Mistake 2: Making Help-Seeking Feel Like Failure

The problem: Language and attitudes that frame needing help as weakness or inadequacy. The solution: Celebrate effective help-seeking as much as independent problem-solving. Use language that positions help-seeking as a smart strategy rather than a last resort.

Mistake 3: Inconsistent Messages About Independence

The problem: Telling children to be independent while simultaneously solving their problems for them sends confusing messages. The solution: Align your actions with your words. If you want children to be independent problem-solvers, give them opportunities to practice these skills with appropriate support.

Mistake 4: Ignoring Developmental Readiness

The problem: Expecting help-seeking behaviors that are beyond a child's developmental capacity or not challenging children who are ready for more independence. The solution: Understand typical developmental patterns for help-seeking and adjust expectations accordingly while remaining responsive to individual differences.

Mistake 5: Focusing Only on Academic Help

The problem: Teaching children to seek help with academic problems while neglecting social, emotional, and practical life skills help-seeking. The solution: Address help-seeking across all areas of children's lives, including relationships, emotions, practical skills, and future planning.

Creating Help Networks for Children

Family Networks

Help children identify trusted family members who can provide different types of support: - Extended family with special skills or knowledge - Older siblings or cousins who can relate to current challenges - Family friends who have specialized expertise - Family mentors who can provide guidance and perspective

School Networks

Ensure children know about and can access school-based support: - Teachers and subject specialists - School counselors and social workers - Tutors and academic support staff - Peer support programs - Administration when appropriate

Community Networks

Connect children with community resources: - Youth programs and activity leaders - Community mentors - Religious or spiritual communities - Healthcare providers who work well with children - Local experts and professionals willing to share knowledge

Teaching Children to Build Their Own Networks

Relationship Building Skills

Help children develop skills for building relationships with potential helpers: - How to show interest in others - How to maintain connections over time - How to express gratitude appropriately - How to contribute to relationships, not just take from them

Network Maintenance

Teach children that support networks require ongoing attention: - Checking in with helpers periodically - Sharing positive updates and successes - Offering help in return when appropriate - Maintaining connections even when help isn't needed