The Paradox of Helping

There's a fundamental paradox at the heart of helping: the very act of offering assistance creates an immediate power imbalance. When we say "Can I help you?" we're implicitly positioning ourselves as having something the other person lacks—whether it's knowledge, resources, or capability. This positioning, however well-intentioned, can trigger feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, or resentment in the recipient.

Consider Sarah, a senior software engineer who noticed her junior colleague Mark struggling with a complex debugging problem. Her first instinct was to jump in with, "Let me show you how to fix that." While her intention was purely helpful, Mark felt diminished by the offer. He heard not "I want to support you" but "You're not capable of handling this yourself."

This doesn't mean we shouldn't offer help—quite the opposite. It means we need to develop a more sophisticated understanding of how our offers are received and how to structure them in ways that preserve dignity and autonomy.