What to Do When Considering Divorce: First Steps and Important Decisions

Nora stared at her wedding ring, turning it slowly on her finger as she sat in her car outside the marriage counselor's office. After eighteen months of therapy and countless sleepless nights, she knew the truth she'd been avoiding: her marriage was beyond repair. Like millions of Americans each year, Nora faced one of life's most challenging crossroads – the decision to divorce. If you're reading this, you may be standing at that same crossroad, wondering what to do when considering divorce and what those crucial first steps should be. This chapter will guide you through the initial decisions and actions that can protect your interests, preserve your sanity, and set the foundation for your future.

Understanding Your Situation: What You Need to Know

Before taking any concrete steps toward divorce, it's essential to gain clarity about your situation. The decision to end a marriage rarely happens overnight – it's typically the culmination of months or years of difficulties. Understanding where you stand emotionally, financially, and legally will help you make informed decisions rather than reactive ones.

Start by honestly assessing your marriage. Are you dealing with irreconcilable differences, or are there issues that might be resolved through counseling? Has there been infidelity, abuse, or addiction? Are you simply incompatible, having grown apart over the years? Document your thoughts in a private journal, noting specific incidents, patterns of behavior, and your attempts to address problems. This isn't just therapeutic – it can also provide valuable documentation if divorce proceedings move forward.

Consider the timing carefully. While there's rarely a "perfect" time for divorce, some periods are more advantageous than others. For instance, if you have children, waiting until after the school year ends might minimize disruption. From a financial perspective, understanding your tax situation and timing the divorce accordingly can save thousands of dollars. In 2024, tax laws regarding alimony have specific implications depending on when your divorce is finalized.

It's also crucial to understand that considering divorce doesn't mean you must proceed with it. Many people explore their options, prepare for the possibility, and ultimately choose to work on their marriage. Others use this exploration period to plan carefully, ensuring they're protected when they do file. There's no shame in either path – what matters is making an informed decision that's right for your circumstances.

Step-by-Step Guide to Initial Divorce Preparation

Once you've decided to seriously explore divorce as an option, certain steps can protect your interests and smooth the path ahead. These initial actions are about preparation and protection, not aggression or retaliation.

Step 1: Secure Your Important Documents

Begin gathering copies of all important financial and legal documents. This includes tax returns for the past three to five years, bank statements, investment accounts, retirement account statements, mortgage documents, car titles, insurance policies, and any prenuptial or postnuptial agreements. Make copies and store them in a secure location your spouse cannot access – perhaps a safety deposit box or with a trusted friend or family member. In today's digital age, scanning these documents and storing them in a secure cloud service with two-factor authentication provides an additional backup.

Step 2: Understand Your Financial Situation

Create a comprehensive picture of your household finances. List all assets, including real estate, vehicles, investments, retirement accounts, valuable personal property, and business interests. Don't forget to catalog debts – mortgages, car loans, credit cards, student loans, and any other obligations. Many people discovering hidden debt or assets during this process. One study found that 31% of Americans have hidden a purchase or account from their spouse, highlighting the importance of thorough financial investigation.

Step 3: Establish Your Own Credit

If you don't already have credit in your own name, now is the time to establish it. Apply for a credit card in your name only, even if you just use it for small purchases and pay it off monthly. Check your credit report through all three major bureaus (Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion) to understand your current credit standing and identify any surprises. Federal law entitles you to one free credit report from each bureau annually through AnnualCreditReport.com.

Step 4: Open Your Own Bank Account

Establish a bank account in your name only at a different bank than where you hold joint accounts. This provides a safe place for your income once separation begins and ensures you have access to funds if joint accounts are frozen. Choose a bank that doesn't send paper statements to your home if you're still living with your spouse.

Step 5: Consult with Professionals Privately

Schedule consultations with at least three divorce attorneys to understand your options and rights. Many attorneys offer initial consultations for a fixed fee or sometimes free. These meetings are confidential, even if you don't hire that attorney. Ask about their experience with cases like yours, their fee structure, and their assessment of your situation. Similarly, consider meeting with a financial advisor who specializes in divorce to understand the long-term implications of different settlement scenarios.

Common Questions About Considering Divorce Answered

"How do I know if divorce is the right decision?"

This deeply personal decision varies for everyone. Consider whether you've exhausted efforts to save the marriage, including counseling. Evaluate whether staying in the marriage is harmful to you or your children. Some find clarity through individual therapy, while others benefit from a trial separation. Remember, staying in an unhappy marriage "for the kids" often does more harm than good – children thrive better in two happy homes than one conflicted one.

"Should I tell my spouse I'm considering divorce?"

This depends on your situation. If you're in danger or dealing with an abusive spouse, prioritize your safety and consult with a domestic violence advocate before taking any action. In other cases, some couples benefit from open communication about their concerns, possibly leading to reconciliation efforts. However, if you believe your spouse might hide assets, empty accounts, or take retaliatory actions, it may be wise to protect yourself first.

"What if I can't afford a divorce?"

Divorce costs vary widely, from a few hundred dollars for an uncontested divorce to tens of thousands for complex, litigated cases. Many attorneys offer payment plans, and some courts have self-help centers for those representing themselves. Legal aid societies may provide free or low-cost representation for qualifying individuals. Additionally, some jurisdictions offer mediation services at reduced rates. In 2024, the average cost of divorce in the United States ranges from $7,500 to $15,000, but careful planning and choosing the right approach can significantly reduce these costs.

"How long should I wait before filing?"

There's no universal timeline, but certain factors might influence timing. Most states have residency requirements – you must live in the state for a specified period (usually six months to a year) before filing. Some couples benefit from a cooling-off period to ensure they're making a rational rather than emotional decision. Others need time to get their finances in order or wait for a better moment regarding children's schedules or career situations.

Mistakes to Avoid When Considering Divorce

Moving Out Prematurely

Leaving the marital home before consulting an attorney can have serious legal implications. In some states, it might affect your claim to the property or impact custody arrangements. Unless you're in danger, speak with an attorney before making any moves.

Hiding Assets or Money

While protecting yourself is important, hiding assets is illegal and will damage your credibility in court. Judges have seen every trick and have tools to uncover hidden assets. The penalties for hiding assets include contempt of court, monetary sanctions, and receiving a smaller share of the marital estate.

Posting on Social Media

Anything you post on social media can become evidence in your divorce. Photos, comments, check-ins, and even "likes" can be used against you. Consider taking a social media hiatus or at minimum, increase all privacy settings and avoid posting anything about your marriage, spouse, or divorce considerations.

Making Major Financial Decisions

Avoid making significant financial moves like large purchases, selling assets, or changing beneficiaries on insurance policies without legal advice. Courts can view these actions as attempts to dissipate marital assets, leading to penalties.

Using Children as Messengers or Weapons

No matter how angry or hurt you feel, never involve children in adult matters. Don't speak negatively about your spouse to them, use them to spy, or make them choose sides. Courts take parental alienation seriously, and such behavior can impact custody decisions.

Cost Considerations for Initial Divorce Steps

Understanding the financial implications of divorce helps you plan effectively. Initial costs might include:

Attorney Consultations: Initial consultations typically range from $100-$500, though some attorneys offer free consultations. Plan to meet with at least three attorneys, budgeting $500-$1,500 for this process. Document Preparation: Copying and organizing documents might cost $100-$300, including notarization fees. If you need to obtain official copies of documents like tax returns or property deeds, factor in government fees. Financial Analysis: A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) charges $150-$400 per hour. An initial financial review might require 3-5 hours, costing $450-$2,000. Therapy or Counseling: Individual therapy to help you process emotions and make clear decisions typically costs $100-$250 per session. Many insurance plans cover mental health services, reducing out-of-pocket costs. Private Investigator: If you suspect hidden assets or infidelity, a private investigator charges $50-$150 per hour. A basic asset search might cost $500-$2,000.

Remember, these upfront investments in professional guidance often save money in the long run by helping you avoid costly mistakes and achieve a fair settlement.

State-by-State Variations in Divorce Preparation

Divorce laws vary significantly by state, affecting everything from property division to custody arrangements. Understanding your state's specific requirements during the consideration phase helps you prepare appropriately.

Community Property vs. Equitable Distribution: Nine states (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin) follow community property laws, where marital assets are typically divided 50/50. The remaining states use equitable distribution, where assets are divided fairly but not necessarily equally. Residency Requirements: Most states require you to be a resident for a specific period before filing for divorce. This ranges from no requirement in Alaska and Washington to one year in Connecticut, New York, and several other states. If you're planning a move, research how it might affect your divorce timing. Waiting Periods: Some states impose mandatory waiting periods between filing and finalizing divorce. California has a six-month waiting period, while Texas requires 60 days. Other states like New Hampshire have no waiting period for uncontested divorces. Grounds for Divorce: While all states now offer no-fault divorce, some still allow fault-based grounds like adultery, abandonment, or cruelty. In some states, proving fault can affect property division or alimony awards. Legal Separation Options: Not all states recognize legal separation as a formal status. In states that do, it might be a required step before divorce or an alternative for couples who want to live apart without divorcing for religious or insurance reasons.

Resources and Next Steps for Divorce Consideration

As you navigate this challenging time, numerous resources can provide support and guidance:

National Organizations: - American Bar Association (www.americanbar.org) - Offers a lawyer referral service and educational resources - National Parents Organization - Focuses on shared parenting and custody issues - DivorceCare - Provides support groups nationwide for those facing separation and divorce - Women's Law (www.womenslaw.org) - Offers state-specific legal information and resources Financial Resources: - Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts - Find certified professionals who specialize in divorce financial planning - National Association of Personal Financial Advisors - Locate fee-only financial advisors - Social Security Administration - Understand how divorce affects benefits Emotional Support: - Psychology Today - Therapist directory with filters for divorce and family issues - National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) - 24/7 support for those in abusive relationships - SAMHSA National Helpline (1-800-662-4357) - For substance abuse and mental health support Legal Resources: - State Bar Associations - Most offer lawyer referral services and self-help resources - Legal Aid Societies - Provide free or low-cost legal services for qualifying individuals - Court Self-Help Centers - Many jurisdictions offer assistance for self-represented litigants Next Immediate Steps:

1. Begin documenting your daily expenses and household budget 2. Start a private journal documenting your concerns and any incidents 3. Research attorneys in your area and schedule consultations 4. Order your free credit reports 5. Make copies of all important documents 6. Consider individual counseling to process your emotions 7. If you have children, research age-appropriate ways to discuss potential changes

Remember, considering divorce is not the same as deciding to divorce. This exploration phase allows you to understand your options, protect your interests, and make an informed decision about your future. Whether you ultimately choose to work on your marriage or proceed with divorce, the steps you take now will serve you well.

The journey ahead may be challenging, but millions have walked this path before you and emerged stronger. Take things one day at a time, seek support when needed, and trust that clarity will come as you move forward. Your future – whatever form it takes – begins with the careful, thoughtful steps you take today.